Star Wars and Christianity

May 4th is right around the corner, so it’s only fitting that I address another iconic pop-culture behemoth: Star Wars.

Now, I don’t expect anyone to genuinely have a problem with the rich lore of the biggest box-office hit of the century, but some people these days are offended by women who can read, so anything’s possible if you can dream it!

Let’s dive right into the Galaxy Far, Far Away. So we’ve got the Jedi and the Sith, the Light Side and the Dark Side of the Force. To quote the wise Obi-Wan Kenobi, the Force “is an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.” So that’s pretty straight-forward: This all-powerful, omnipresent entity lives in everything and lays the framework for the universe. Sounds reasonable. However, there are some morons who would claim that the Force is not, in fact, a metaphysical energy, but instead just some tiny organisms that chill out in your blood that you either have a lot of or none of, essentially. So, yeah, molecular energy parasite or colossal, divine power source? I don’t know, I prefer the second one (although the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, so I guess the Force is the powerhouse of the Galaxy)...

So that’s those are the two neutral definitions of the Force. Additionally, however, the Force is broken up into the Light Side and the Dark Side. Light Side users sit on couch cushions and delegate their only actual responsibilities to emo, 20-year-old sociopaths that crush on Senators twice their age. Jedi Masters also love getting their puny backsides whipped and hiding in exile until they die. So that’s a solid option if you’re interested in becoming a Force-wielder. If you’re a really bloody old Light Sider like Fozzie Bear, you might also be able to absorb sparkles and cling to teenagers backpacks for long periods of time. The best perk of the Light Side, by far, is a complete disregard for the sanctity of life. Jedi Masters love getting chopped in half for no reason or getting shot in the back by their own troops (who are Stormtroopers that couldn’t even hit Ewoks, by the way). If you’re interested in the Light Side… Uh … Why would you be?

On to the more interesting crew, the Sith/Dark Side users. While Light Side Jedi would probably be 48-year-old, anti-hand-raising Calvinists that love lecturing Millenials on the evils of Teen-Rated video games, for the most part, Dark Side Sith Lords (Lord is a way cooler last name than Master. Just saying) would be the sarcastic, edgy, charismatic, white “rappers” who wear hoodies to church and vape on Wednesday afternoons. Dark Side users are pretty chill about the whole “murder” and “Rule-the-Galaxy” thing, so if you’re into slicing kids up on the weekend and feeding their entrails to the mighty Sarlaac, the Dark Side is right up your alley. Sith Lords can shoot sparkles, choke their stupid, incessantly barking chihuahuas, and even “keep the ones they love from dying.” Unless they can’t, who knows. The Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise was a New York Times #1 Bestseller and the movie adaptation (set for release in December, 2021) will likely be nominated for an Academy Award.

So those are the two Sides of the Force. If you’re not interested in dying alone in a swamp (which, granted, is a solid lifestyle for an onion-like Ogre) or murdering countless honor-roll children, maybe just go ahead and be a Droid. There are Droids that swear all the time, but no one can understand them; there are Droids that are programmed to be afraid of everything for no apparent reason; there are even Droids that commit suicide after walking two feet! Something for everyone!

Anyway, this post wasn’t super related to Christianity, but it’s hard to be offended by Star Wars (unless you’re talking about the Prequels or The Last Jedi, in which case I totally get it). Hope you enjoyed, subscribe for more content, share this with your friends and relations, you know the drill. I have a bad feeling about the new Solo movie, but the garbage will do. May the Force be with you!